Friday, June 23, 2006
With Fear and Trembling
I've been going round and round on this for .... I guess about 2 months now. I would make up my mind, then a few weeks later change it. And now, the deadline is here and I am still at the crossroads.
Will I quit my job? Will I take the buyout for $70,000 (before taxes) and leave my $60,000/yr job? Nothing pays that much for an "uneducated" employee. I have no degree to fall back on. It would mean selling the horses, the horse trailer, any extra tack (I couldn't sell my good saddle and bits/bridles) - because without my good job we wouldn't be able to take care of the horses. Besides that, I would go back to school, with a student loan, and that would take all my time what with the commute, classes and studying. I want to quit, but I had planned on staying at least 10 years - get some things accomplished on the 4T first. I also didn't plan on having to sell the horses when I leave my job, and I don't want to lose them - they are good horses and I love them. The plan was to have all the debts paid off so I could just go to school, ride when I could and us live off of Jeff's pay for awhile. Buuuuutt..... if I stay and try to make the "10 yr plan" we might not make it - there are rumors that we might go to one shift. If that happened, then I'd lose my job - with no buyout package to help pay off bills. And though that is just a rumor, I know for a fact that we will be off of work for the whole month of July, now. Maybe even the first week of August... then come back to work and find out if we will need to be layed off additional weeks. Everything is sooo uncertain. What will I do? What will I do?
I am staying up to wait for Jeff to wake up so I can talk to him. With these new rumors flying and with the additional time off and with the desire to quit so strong in my heart, I've got to talk to him. It's not that I hate my job - oh I've got my bad days - but most times I like it alright, and sometimes I really do love it. But, I really want to do something else - I want to teach about horses... maybe be an Ag teacher at a high school or an Equine Science professor at a college - that would be cool. I also want to apprentice with an accomplished professional trainer. I want to learn more about horses and training and I want to develop myself further. I know I can do this while staying at my job, but let's get realistic - I haven't been motivated enough to get the ball rolling and it looks like I'm gonna keep digging our financial pit deeper if I don't do something drastic to shake things up and make a big change.
After looking at all the figures, I think we can pay off a few things with the buyout money (after taxes), sell the horses and trailer and make it on Jeff's pay. A student loan would get me through school and we wouldn't have to pay on it till after graduation. If only Jeff will see it like I see it. But, then again, maybe he will see something I don't and can help me to feel better about sticking to the "10 yr plan". We'll see how it goes......
"The hope is to stay in the background away from the fire, and wait for someone or something to come along and grant us immunity from these difficulties and sacrifices, someone to offer reassurance, saying perhaps, "Take the safe way, not the way of passion and creativity, as the path to your destiny, the life you desire. Follow it and you will never be touched..."[But] we cannot neglect our inner fire without damaging ourselves in the process."
- David Whyte, 'The Heart Aroused'
Will I quit my job? Will I take the buyout for $70,000 (before taxes) and leave my $60,000/yr job? Nothing pays that much for an "uneducated" employee. I have no degree to fall back on. It would mean selling the horses, the horse trailer, any extra tack (I couldn't sell my good saddle and bits/bridles) - because without my good job we wouldn't be able to take care of the horses. Besides that, I would go back to school, with a student loan, and that would take all my time what with the commute, classes and studying. I want to quit, but I had planned on staying at least 10 years - get some things accomplished on the 4T first. I also didn't plan on having to sell the horses when I leave my job, and I don't want to lose them - they are good horses and I love them. The plan was to have all the debts paid off so I could just go to school, ride when I could and us live off of Jeff's pay for awhile. Buuuuutt..... if I stay and try to make the "10 yr plan" we might not make it - there are rumors that we might go to one shift. If that happened, then I'd lose my job - with no buyout package to help pay off bills. And though that is just a rumor, I know for a fact that we will be off of work for the whole month of July, now. Maybe even the first week of August... then come back to work and find out if we will need to be layed off additional weeks. Everything is sooo uncertain. What will I do? What will I do?
I am staying up to wait for Jeff to wake up so I can talk to him. With these new rumors flying and with the additional time off and with the desire to quit so strong in my heart, I've got to talk to him. It's not that I hate my job - oh I've got my bad days - but most times I like it alright, and sometimes I really do love it. But, I really want to do something else - I want to teach about horses... maybe be an Ag teacher at a high school or an Equine Science professor at a college - that would be cool. I also want to apprentice with an accomplished professional trainer. I want to learn more about horses and training and I want to develop myself further. I know I can do this while staying at my job, but let's get realistic - I haven't been motivated enough to get the ball rolling and it looks like I'm gonna keep digging our financial pit deeper if I don't do something drastic to shake things up and make a big change.
After looking at all the figures, I think we can pay off a few things with the buyout money (after taxes), sell the horses and trailer and make it on Jeff's pay. A student loan would get me through school and we wouldn't have to pay on it till after graduation. If only Jeff will see it like I see it. But, then again, maybe he will see something I don't and can help me to feel better about sticking to the "10 yr plan". We'll see how it goes......
"The hope is to stay in the background away from the fire, and wait for someone or something to come along and grant us immunity from these difficulties and sacrifices, someone to offer reassurance, saying perhaps, "Take the safe way, not the way of passion and creativity, as the path to your destiny, the life you desire. Follow it and you will never be touched..."[But] we cannot neglect our inner fire without damaging ourselves in the process."
- David Whyte, 'The Heart Aroused'
